Diary of an Honest Naturalista: Week 141

I didn’t know this but apparently, Dimeji had been noticing changes in my disposition towards him, which I never realised was evident. I thought I had been skilfully covering my dissatisfaction up. When he said we had to see this weekend, I never for once suspected what it could be. I thought it could be anything in the world, but not what it eventually turned out to be.

As soon as we navigated through the routine of small talk, he delved straight into what was on his mind.

“Anna what’s wrong?”

I looked at him, not having any idea what he was talking about. “I don’t get. There’s nothing wrong.”
“There’s something wrong. We didn’t just start this thing yesterday. You know we can always both tell when something is amiss.”

Oh ma gosh. “Was I that transparent?” I thought to myself. A look at my face confirmed his suspicions, so I knew there was no need to keep up any more appearances.

“So what’s wrong?” He persisted. It was obvious he would have no excuse.

“Well…” I started, hesitating over and over again. “I have been thinking for some time… I mean, I have been unhappy for some time… thinking…” Obviously, I was rambling, not knowing exactly how to broach the subject of what was bothering.

“Unhappy?” He looked quizzically. “What’s making you unhappy?”

“Wait babe… I will get to the point. It’s not like this is easy for me.”

“Sorry. Continue.”

“I just feel like we’ve been going in circles lately. I mean we are good and all. nothing missing, nothing amiss. But lately, I find myself always asking where exactly we are going.”

“Really?” He looked shocked. The look on his face made me wonder if I had just been stressing myself for nothing.  He was quiet for a very long time, while I had multiple emotions going on my mind.

He finally talked. “I thought it was obvious where we were going. You know everyone in my family, I know everyone in your family. We are together almost all our free time. We talk about our future all the time. We even joke about how your satin bonnets will affect us in future. Where else can we be going?”

“But it’s not like you have ever come out to say anything directly.” I said, sounding very stupid to myself at that moment.

“Okayy… You want me to say something directly? What exactly do you want me to say directly, Anna?”

“I don’t know, the ball is in your cot.” I said, now very ashamed. Maybe shame will catch him in return and he would just propose.

“Okay, you want me to ask you why you have been giving me one word answers for the past two weeks, why you have been acting weird lately, making me suspicious, which I detest, why you have been pretending to be asleep when I call you, and then five minutes later, your phone is busy because you are obviously on the phone with someone else? Is it because you have been unhappy with me? Tell me Anna, is that the anything you want me to say directly to you?”

I wished the floor could open up and swallow me. I never knew Dimeji noticed all these things. I wasn’t a cheater, yet I felt like one. The disappointment in his eyes broke my heart. He had said everything so quietly that I knew he was pained. If I could lie to him in order to erase the hurt he felt, I would have done it right there and then, but we both knew lying was not in my CV so I just kept quiet and said nothing…

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