Diary of an Honest Naturalista: Week 128

I’m not finding the absence of Dimeji funny at all. The way I was weeping after he left, one would think we were about to the split into the north and south pole for 5 years, without communication.

My second brother later said. “Na wa o. so this is how love can be. What if he now broke up with you, and you have no opportunity to see him forever? Will you die?” Let’s just say that like his brother, he also has a scar on the side of his head.

Anyway, when I calmed down a little bit, I gave a serious thought to what he said.

Nobody should derive the essence of their existence from another human, no matter how great that human being is. A human, at his best state, is still human, and can always disappoint.

What if I marry Dimeji, and he gets transferred away from the family for a long time? What if he dies some years after marriage? What if I never marry Dimeji? Will the world stop? I mean there are so many things that could happen that would take Dimeji away from me, and the world will continue like nothing happened. No one has been divinely promised to another person, and I needed to understand that reality.

I then began to see my reaction to Dimeji’s absence as something that wasn’t good. This is the time I should be by myself, and take stock of my life, without the distractions of emotions or a man, not that Dimeji is a distraction. This is the time for me to truly reflect on my purpose and reason for existence, as a single and focused woman.

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The rate I was, I had begun to derive my essence from my relationship with Dimeji, and it wasn’t a good sign. Dimeji or no Dimeji, my identity should not be affected in anyway.

After telling myself the truth, an action precipitated by my brother’s comment, which he meant as a joke, I decided to calm down, and reevaluate my reaction to his absence.

I have therefore decided to take this time to reflect on my life, the reason for my existence, my purpose on this earth, how I’m going to shape my world with the skills God has gifted me with, how I’m going to influence my generation positively.

Deriving my essence from my relationship with Dimeji was causing me to view every other thing in my life through the lens of that relationship, rather than through God’s eyes. I mean, I thank God that Dimeji is a great guy. If he were an abuser, I most probably would have been stuck in that relationship because that is where my essence has been coming from, and no one wants to exist without their essence. Now, I understand better how people refuse to leave abusive relationships.

This diary is still about my life viewed through the spectacle of my hair journey, but I really think it was important for me to write this in my journal.

I still love Dimeji, though.

And I still miss him, though.

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