Diary of an Honest Naturalista: Week 145

The fair last week was okay. I didn’t make as much as I envisaged, but at least, I made a few cash.
Dimeji sent me a text message last week. You should have seen how I was over the moon. It came at a time when it was very unexpected, although he didn’t say anything much. It just read

“Hey, how are you doing? Just checking up on you. I’m hanging in here. We would talk sometime, someday.”

After my two hours of euphoria as a result of hearing from my estranged boyfriend, I entered a phase of melancholy

Why hasn’t he reached out to me all these days?

Why was he stalling?

I know he has always had other girls, including close friends showing keen interest in him. Has he started giving them more attention, or even considering leaving me for one of them, in light of what happened between us?

This last question particularly nagged me. I had always gained essence from the fact Dimeji had chosen me against all odds, amongst other women, that he loved me in spite of all the other good-looking girls around him. That was my power, my cutting edge. If I lost that, what really do I have?

What if Dimeji doesn’t see me the way he saw me before? What if he couldn’t look at me in that special way? What if I was no more special in spite of other women? What if I lost that special position in his life? What if I no longer have that cutting edge?

Then things would never be the same way they used to be, whether we got back together or not. It would just never be the same without me occupying my special position in his heart.

Even though I want him back, I want him to want me back, even more than he has ever wanted anything.

After this realization, I decided that if or when Dimeji comes back, if I don’t see the evidence of me getting my positional place in his heart, if it seems like he’s just doing it out of duty or obligation, then I wouldn’t go back into that relationship. Otherwise, I would forever feel insecure with him.

In the meantime, I stay rest assured in the fact that everything is going to work together for my good in the end.